Realizations and Love

(photo grabbed from http://askdrnicole.com/a-mothers-love-endures/)

My baby Baby Center app says I am now 39 weeks and I have one day to go before the my due date. Weeks before today, I have always talked to summer to come out already, that everything is ready, we are all ready for her, but last night I realized that deep inside I am the one who is not ready. Since day 1 I knew I was pregnant, I am very vocal about my hesitations, my fears and apprehensions. As I thought I could get over all those ghosts through the nine months and much more prayers, I realized that no one and nothing can help me overcome my fears but myself. 

Last night, I cried a lot. I don't know if it must be hormones again, but reality awakened me. For the whole nine months of carrying babyS, I was too selfish to give her my full love and attention. I focused on my fears, my ambitions, my what ifs, my self plans and sacrificing my time with kuya D. I am always not ready for her because I am pre-occupied with a lot of things, afraid of the labor pains, without realizing that special gift inside me also needed me, my complete attention, my unconditional love and most importantly a mother's love. 

I realized that it is not enough for babyS to receive complete medical care for the whole 9 months, that I never missed my lab tests, vitamins and other exams but my little miss also needed and can sense my readiness for her. I was too selfish for telling her before to come out when I am ready, to come out when daddy R is her and telling her a lot of conditions before she come out. I am too selfish for asking her to delay everything because I no longer wanted to endure long hours at the labor room. For always requesting her to make everything easy for me, without even worrying if everything will be alright to my little one. God made me a mother again, because He knew I can do it, I can manage everything and yet I cannot accept how much I am blessed with another angel. 

I am so sorry for my baby for I am too selfish as a mother. I know, either today or tomorrow I will hold her into my arms. And this time, I will not waste anytime to show her how much mommy loved her, how much I am blessed to have her as a blessing in our lives. And hopefully, when she reads this in the future she'll know how much she taught mommy the true meaning of love even before she come out of the world. 

I love you so much babyS, and mommy now is ready to endure all the pains for you. 

Mommy G,